“Confounded apprentice cooks, flummox you all!”

I hope I die before I start writing letters to the editor.

Like this gem in today’s paper:

“Our family is really enjoying Masterchef. But has anyone else noticed the increasing use of four-letter words? When people swear, it demonstrates their lack of intelligence and creativity in expressing emotion. Why not try out words such as ‘confound it’ or ‘flummox me’? Please Channel 10, rescue us from a new generation of Gordon Ramsays.”

Yours truly,

Nigel, Naremburn

What the flummox?

We’ve dealt with swearing before, and found it to be acceptable in modest doses even for Prime Ministers. And Stephen Fry says the ‘lack of intelligence and creativity’ argument is, well, bollocks.

But if you’re concerned your audience is full of prudish Nigels ready to take offence, here’s 10 genteel swear words, put in presentation context as a handy guide.

1.    Egad, I left my laptop in the cab!
2.    Great horny toads, we’ve run three hours over time!
3.    Consarn it, these solutions are nowhere near enterprise class!
4.    This minty cola has been a goshdarn long time in R&D.
5.    Send those concepts back to research, you stinkin’ polecat!
6.    What in tarnation happened to the pension fund?
7.    Doggone it to heck, Kim Jong Il, are you testing missiles again?
8.    ABC: Always Be Closing, you hornswogglin’ varmints!
9.    Oh fiddlesticks, we have to merge with Fiat!
10.    That question is out of line, you puck-socking goat-poker!