CSI: Conveniently Sharpened Images
“Well Frank, looks like my algorithm’s better than yours.”
We’re sitting here working on some layouts with images the client sent over, and we’re wishing we worked for CSI Miami. Not the people who make the show, but the actual crime investigators themselves.
Is it the magic pistols that nail a crack lord every shot, while their henchmen blaze away with 6000 round-per-minute Gatling guns and only hit one cop at the end of each season?
Is it having workmates who operate in abbatoir-like conditions, up to their armpits in decomposed gore, in immaculate white pants and high heels?
Or is it the way the office is lit up in primary colors of LSD-trip intensity? Though that could explain all the sunglasses indoors.
Nope, none of those. It’s their image-sharpening software. We want a copy of ‘Adobe Crime Scene’, or whatever it’s called, the all-purpose still and video clarity enhancer.
All over the world, designers spend most of their time explaining to clients that an 8k .gif file copied from a web site isn’t going to cut it as a full-screen image.
Nobody believes us, because they’ve all seen Horatio ask the image guy: “What if you apply the sharpening algorithm?” And presto! The pixels shrink down and the bad guy comes into view.
Interestingly, the idea of doing this never seems to occur to image guy until Horatio asks him to. Maybe Horatio has the only software key because they spent too much money on white pants.
You can even turn the photo subject around and see what’s on his back, using the ‘Make it 3D’ button.
We particularly love the little Kraftwerk-style bleeping noise the computer makes as it sharpens: the sound of processors working up a sweat.
Adobe Crime Scene would save us a fortune. We could shoot events and ads on cheap security cameras, recorded on VHS tape, and fix ‘em up in post. We’ll let you know when it comes on the market, until then it’s boring old broadcast cameras for your event.